All this talk about hiking is getting ridiculous.

People around the world are suddenly making all this time for adventures. They go to all these beautiful places, and then share pictures of themselves on Instagram standing at the top of these breathtaking mountains or surging waterfalls.

It’s becoming an epidemic.

We need to stop this before it spreads. Going outside is dangerous, and doesn’t leave enough time for mediocre activities like sitting on the couch, and watching comedy shows that really aren’t that funny.

If you know someone who’s been feeling better lately or doing better at life, there’s a chance they could be spending time outdoors. Take a minute to sit them down and explain the risks of this dangerous activity.

In case you’re not sure where to start, we’ve made a list of the key reasons why you should absolutely avoid the outdoors at all costs.

1.     Hiking Burns Calories and You Need Those.

 Photo Credit:  Ben via Flickr

Photo Credit: Ben via Flickr

Burning calories might sound like a good thing, but trust me - it’s not.

Why on earth would you want to burn calories off, when you just spent all that time putting them on? Exactly, you wouldn’t, doesn’t even make sense.

In just one hour of trekking, most people burn upwards of 500 calories. That’s the equivalent of an entire hamburger and fries, or two slices of cheesecake, both of which were delicious and deserve a chance to hang out on your body a while longer.


Don’t be fooled by “modern science” and so-called “healthcare professionals.” You need every last one of those calories to stay on you where they belong. Forever.

2.     Hiking Makes You Happier

In fact, multiple studies have shown how even a short walk in nature can be super effective at beating depression. Something about the calm of the woods and un-plugging from your daily stresses for a while just makes people feel better. There’s also talk that endorphins from natural sunlight are great for lifting your mood.

This is something you absolutely want to avoid.

Being happy is overrated, if not downright annoying. Have you met a happy person lately? Thankfully they’re tough to find. Probably because they’d rather spend their time with other happy people, possibly out in nature somewhere.

If you do find one you’ll see right away how terrible they are. Always smiling, encouraging one another, helping each other reach their goals. It’s like a big happy club that you’re welcome to join whenever you want. Well no thanks, pal. We’re good staying right here in complain zone.

3.     Forest Air Is Fresh... Too Fresh

The air in forests is invigorating. It smells like pine and lilac and makes you feel better with every breath. This study from Japan showed how forest air actually made people happier and relieved stress.

Great, now they’re backing up their claims with actual studies. When does it end? I don’t trust it, and neither should you.

It’s most likely the government who’s behind it. They’re trying to get you out of the house and into the mountains, so they can come and spy through your DVD collection for anything rare and valuable, like your unscratched copy of Wayne’s World.

Don’t let them have it. Stay inside, even though too much indoor air is shown to cause a host of health problems. Ask yourself what's more important, your health, or guarding all your stuff?

Because we all know that couple in apartment B5 have been eyeing your new throw rug!

4.     Getting Outside Raises Your Energy Levels. Which Is Good For What Again?

Hikers are all the same. They wake up in the morning filled with energy, ready to take on the day with a higher attention span and better creativity.

But what do they do with all that extra energy and focus?

Well, first they use it to be more successful, reach life goals, and have better relationships. But I mean what do they do after that? You guessed it: more hiking.

They’re caught in a vicious cycle. All that hiking just gives them more energy, which makes them want to go outside yet again. They’re trapped in a loop like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, and it’s your job to free them.

Next time you see a hiker, start the recovery by inviting them to sit down for a while. Try offering them a piece of cake – something to slow them down a bit. They’re probably just looking to vent about what a burden all that energy is.


5.     Reaching Your Goals Feels Good, and Feeling Good Is a Slippery Slope

 Photo Credit:  Vern via Flickr

Photo Credit: Vern via Flickr

There’s this feeling that comes over you when you reach the top of a mountain or the end of a trail. The breeze is blowing, you’re surrounded by forest and open skies, and you know you’ve just done something seriously kickass.

It’s incredibly satisfying, and it needs to stop now. Because once you know you’re capable of actually doing stuff, the confidence spreads into other areas of your life.

Big problem, people. Before you know it you’ll be going new places, meeting new people, and filling your life with better relationships.

Might sound good, but it's actually a recipe for disaster, because eventually you’re going to mess up.

Oh, I don’t know how. Maybe you’ll slip on a banana peel, or say something embarrassing at a party. Are you willing to live with that? Didn’t think so. Instead just sit down on the couch, grab a box of cookies, and start scrolling through your phone. There you go, crisis averted.


6.     You Might Live Longer, and Nobody Wants to Live Longer

 Photo Credit: Johannes Hulsch via Flickr

Photo Credit: Johannes Hulsch via Flickr

Getting out into the mountains can actually extend your life. As though anyone really wants that.

There’s even evidence that people living at higher altitude places like Denver have longer lives. Sucks to be them! And this high altitude village in Pakistan is full of people claiming to live to well over 100, which sounds like the worst thing ever.

Next time a hiker springs this on you, remind them of one simple truth:

Life sucks.

It’s just an endless repeat of days on the couch and predictable TV shows. Why would you want it to drag on any longer? There’s no adventure, nothing to be discovered, nothing that makes you feel both peacefully connected and deliciously alive at the same time.

Hikers are predictable, so they’ll probably respond with something like this:

“But going outside for a hike through the hills, a paddle down the river, or a walk through the woods can do literally all those things.”

Don’t they think we know that? But there’s risks involved, as you should kindly remind them.

It could be cold out. Or worse… hot.

And what if you don’t have the right color pants? Hikers are very fashion oriented, and are highly skilled at pulling off plaid. Do you even own any plaid?

What if a bird whistles a song you don’t really care for? Or if you see a tree, but you can’t remember what it’s called? Will you just stand there silently admiring its beauty?

Don’t be ridiculous. People are going to know what a fraud you are, and they will talk. By tomorrow it’ll be all over town. “She didn’t even know it was called a pine frizzler!” Or whatever they are. It’ll be awful. You’ll never live it down.

No, you’re better off here at home. If you know a hiker or one of those people who just likes to go outside, sit them down and remind them of these risks. Do your best to make sure they avoid hiking or going outdoors at all costs. The rewards will be... mediocre.


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 BML Alaska via Flickr

BML Alaska via Flickr

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